April 8, 2000

This week's edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by Partagas, the fine quality Cuban cigar that little Elian Gonzales may never get a chance to smoke when he grows up, and by Azucar Internacional de Cuba, the Cuban sugar industry, harvesting and refining Cuban sugar cane into that oh-so-sweet sugar little Elian Gonzales may never taste again. Sugar and Cigars...and they say Cuba's not a great country!

(This has been a paid advertisement on behalf of Industria Cubano, a wholly owned but shadowy subsidiary of the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco company, Bacardi International Ltd. and Beatrice Foods. Shh.)

EL NIÑO

Janet Reno Testifying at Hearing The father of Elian Gonzales arrived in the United States to see his son, and for talks with attorney general Janet Reno. We have a perfect solution to the custody battle, which we believe will make everyone happy, and which we hereby suggest to Ms. Reno: Keep Elian and his father here, and send that kid who shot the six-year-old to Cuba.

ONE POTATO, TWO POTATO

Toy Story Character Mr. Potato Head Cookie Jar The State of Rhode Island Tourism Division has adopted Mr. Potato Head as its official travel ambassador. Rhode Island's governor Lincoln Almond actually said "Rhode Island will peel ahead of the crop when it comes to attracting visitors from around the world." Untrue News deplores puns, and opposes the ambassadorship of Mr. Potato Head. He has a chip on his shoulder, he wears the same jacket every day, he never blinks his eyes, and we have evidence he gets baked a lot.

I'VE LOOKED AT HER FROM BOTH SIDES NOW

Joni Mitchell Performing Joni Mitchell appeared on the David Letterman show last week apparently impersonating a bad torch singer butchering a 1950's nightclub ballad. To all of Ms. Mitchell's fans from earlier days, Untrue News says "you don't know what you've got til it's gone."

PURRRRRR

"You call yourselves Marines? You're nothing but a bunch of little kittens. No wait. That's not quite strong enough."

WHO WANTS TO BE A MULTI-BILLIONAIRE?

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, 1997 Microsoft stock took a dive when a Federal judge ruled against the company and accused it of being in violation of the Sherman anti-trust act. As a remedy, Untrue News suggests Mr. Gates be forced to use a normal PC with Windows 98, and Internet Explorer exclusively for an entire year, and let's see how the hell HE likes it. Such a sentence, we believe, is punishment enough for anyone.

EDITORIAL:
BILL GATES NOT THAT BAD?
by Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin.

I (I am using the editorial "I") have a love-hate relationship with Internet Explorer. It loves to crash and I hate it. However, the other day I was listening to the radio and between songs the disc jockey said he didn't care if Microsoft was a monopoly, their software had helped him and made his life easier. That got me thinking. It's not easy being a disc jockey. You have to have some smarts plus a pleasing voice. And you have to be able to get to work on time. So as I said, that got me thinking. If a guy smart enough and with a pleasant enough voice to be a disc jockey at a big station like 91.2 FM, serving the people of Watertown and the entire Oswego Valley thinks Microsoft is okay, then maybe I should stop thinking Bill Gates is a power-mad, too-rich putz who doesn't care whether his products work or not, but only about selling them. Maybe I should.

-- Mark McGuffin

NO DRINKS, NO DRUGS, NO CAR

The off duty school bus driver who ran his private car off the road, totaling it, was not drunk, as police earlier believed. Tests showed that Michael Cleary, 42, had no alcohol or drugs in his system. Cleary told investigators he made the mistake of turning his radio to an oldies station and when they played Sting's version of "Fields of Gold" he couldn't help falling asleep. District Judge Randolph Coulter, ruling in Cleary's favor, called the accident "totally understandable."

SURF'N'SCURF

Why pay more? This beautiful view of surf and sun can be yours at a very affordable price. Watch the boats go by. Enjoy quiet times when the rigs aren't pumping. Participate in the communal fun of beach cleanups with your friends and neighbors. Contribute to the survival of wildfowl by degreasing a duck. Waterfront living like nowhere else. Call today. Bayview Condos at Oilspill Bay, 555-7197. Ask for Slick.

A BUNCH OF PEOPLE YOU'VE
NEVER HEARD OF SAY:

(Before we tell you what they say, what happened is, we couldn't find any celebrity willing to endorse us or ask you to click on our ads. We don't know why the sudden cold shoulder, unless word is getting out. So what we did was poll our readers to see if they thought reading Untrue News was worth a couple of sponsor clicks each week. Here's what they said.)

MISTY SELFRIDGE (18):

There was a good one where they said "shit". I liked that, and I hate when they knock Rod Stewart, he is old and pockmarked and can't sing but he is SO sexy. Should people click on ads? Sure, why not?

JACK TEROMI (34):

Untrue News is that the thing Conan O'Brien does on Saturday Night Live? I never watch TV, except for the Hollywood Squares and Nightline. Whoopi Goldberg is amazingly talented. And I'll watch the occasional ball game or soap, and the sitcoms. But I really love the detective shows. Should people click on ads? Does Steven Spielberg look like a wanker?

BEN STILLER (32)
First you say you can't get a celebrity to do your ad, then you put ME in here. I have to tell you, I feel this is an insult. I'm not suggesting you meant to do it, but what you're saying it I'm not of sufficient status in my profession to warrant being called a celebrity. No it ISN'T just my ego talking, this is very important in the business I'm in. It's not about fame, it's about the work, but I can't do the work when people like you put ideas like this out in public. I'll let it go, but you owe me one. Should people click on ads? I'm tempted to say no, but yes, they should.

...

BRITNEY SPEARS (16)
Just show up they said. Okay, I'm here, what do I say? Okay. "Hi everyone please click on some sponsors here at my favorite website, Untrue News. Here's a kiss from me, your pal Britney. Mwahh." My mom has the check? The car is here? Cash out."

...

ARNOLD L. NAGLE JR. (51)
There was one item they did where they said "shit" that really made me laugh a lot. God that was funny. What was it again? I just remember I laughed so hard. So should readers click on sponsors? Definitely yes, what a great laugh that was.

PEARL CORWIN (82)
I love to poke fun at others, and Untrue News does just that. So many of these gasbag politicians and greedy CEOs deserve the raking they get from this testy publication. And there was some "shit" joke they did that was excellent. Should people click on sponsors? Oh, most definitely, with so much that is false and cheap and shoddy in today's market, it's wonderful to read a publication that is REAL and cheap and shoddy.

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2004 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
You thought there would be something funny here, didn't you? It's sad, isn't it, how the world doesn't always work the way we want it to. It makes us wonder just why we are alive, what the purpose of everything is. Is it all just a meaningless illusion? If so, what is the sense of bothering to finish this