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THE AYES OF TAXES
 President
Cheney's tax cut plan has been sent to Congress where it will work its
way through the legislative process. A nervous Cheney told Untrue News
"I hope nobody reads the part where it says it doesn't apply to
Negroes."
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DAS BOOT
 George
W. Bush is preparing to unilaterally reduce the number of nuclear
warheads in America's arsenal. Bush is particularly interested in
cutting funds for the nuclear submarine program. "It's the
dumbest thing I ever heard of" he said. "I mean, how can you
light the fuse of a warhead when you are under water? Doesn't water
put OUT fire, or am I missing something here? Why do I have to think
of everything myself?"
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THE PENIS--MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD
 Republicans
have raised questions about former President Clinton's pardon of fugitive
financier Marc Rich, who now lives in Switzerland. Asked if Mr. Rich's wife's
heavy contribution to the Clinton Library had an influence on his decision, the
former President said "Yes, of course it did. It had a major influence on
my decision. And the blowjobs had a little something to do with it too. And a
presidential pardon is irrevocable and I'm no longer in office and I gave up my
law license for five years, and I get a hundred and twenty five thou a lecture,
and my wife works out of town, so kiss my rosy red ass, Republicans, I'm off to
Monica's for some lip-smackin' fun with my pal, Phil Lacio." Secret Service
agents roughed up a reporter who sought to ask follow-up questions.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
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BUT YOU'RE THE ONE SHOWING ME THE DIRTY PICTURES
A survey of 1,114 TV shows by the Kaiser Family Foundation found that
the percentage of programs containing sexual content rose from 56
percent to 68 percent in the past few years. The Foundation reported
that even the titles of some prime time shows are not suitable for
children, among them: "Two Guys and A Girl" (strongly suggests
bisexual menage-a-trois), "Everybody Loves Raymond" (obvious
inference of group sex), and "The Geena Davis Show" (strongly
suggests something that sucks.)
In a related story, the National Gay Alliance condemned the
Christopher Lowell Show for presenting the stereotype of the homosexual
interior designer as a flamboyant queen.
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FREE TICKETS CONTEST: There are no winners in our phone-in
contest which offered the 14th caller to (212) 555-1070 free tickets
to a Jim Brickman concert. No calls were received. We will donate the
tickets to charity.
SNIFFING AROUND FOR NEWS
Rumors that began at the Golden Globe awards  continue
that Robert Downey Jr. and Calista Flockheart are a couple. At least
that explains why she's so skinny.
BEST MAN SAYS I DO
Our friend Gary Belkin informs us of the wedding of showbiz mogul
Barry Diller on Feb 2. Diller married Diane Von Furstenberg, his
longtime beard. |
ATTENTION CHARITIES: Don't any of you want these free Jim Brickman
tickets? Anyone?
AVON CALLING
(an occasional column by Untrue News movie and film
critic Avon Proctor.)
First, thanks to Mark McGuffin for suggesting this new name for my column.
It's far better than the old one I was using (Proctorology). Tom Cruise and
Nicole Kidman are separating after more than ten years of marriage. Hey, who
wouldn't? Even with a hunk like Tom and a babe like Nicole, ten years is a long
row of cotton, isn't it? I mean both of them can get any partner they want,
often more than one at a time. They must have been thinking about that a lot
during the past ten years. Resentments must have built up. I wish I had paid
more attention to their movies so I could look for clues, but frankly, the stuff
they make together is pretty awful. If Eyes Wide Shut is something Kubrick
worked on for 4 years, my only conclusion is that he works better under
pressure. But what has Kubrick to do with the breakup of Tom and Nicole? I have
no idea. I have no obligation to write artful segues or slick paragraphs, or to
tie things together. (If you don't know how to pronounce "segues" stop
reading now. This is not for you.) I am just a film and movie critic. I wish
they'd come out with a DVD of "Hoppity Goes To Town", that was a honey
of a musical cartoon. Am I the only one who thought "Diamonds" was the
best performance ever by Kirk Douglas? For my money, Michelle Pfeiffer can act
rings around Amy Pietz any day. End of report. --AP
This edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is sponsored by AMTRAK.
Amtrak--"we love to crash, and it shows!"
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© Copyright 2000-2001
by Fool Moon, LLC.
All rights reserved.
Household hint: Unused Jim Brickman tickets make excellent bookmarks, and good
emergency toothpicks.
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This issue is from
Feb 10 2001
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Feb 10 2001
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