INSIDER TRADING

According to the New York Times, Treasury Secretary Paul H. O'Neill's $117 million stake in Alcoa Inc. raises the possibility of conflict of interest because of the specific nature of both Mr. O'Neill's job and his investments. Although he has recused himself from government decisions directly connected to Alcoa's profit and stock price. Mr. O'Neill is also one of a handful of government officials Image: Alcoas Paul Oneill To Be Appointed Bush Treasury Secretary who can move markets with a single comment.

When questioned today by Untrue News, the Secretary said "Here's a tip, buy Alcoa."

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HERE'S TO BEZOS, HE'S OUR CROOK

The Securities and Exchange Commission is investigating stock sales by Jeffrey P. Bezos, the chairman of Amazon.com, in early February just before a Wall Street firm released a negative research report on the company. In documents filed with regulators in early February, Mr.. Bezos said he intended to sell 800,000 Amazon shares worth about $12.2 million. One week earlier, Amazon executives had received an advance copy of a research report questioning Amazon's ability to continue operating through 2001 citing the company's deteriorating financial condition.

Bill Curry, an Amazon spokesman, said that the sales had nothing to do with the release of the Lehman Brothers report. "It was absolutely not about Jeff doing any insider trading, or committing fraud, or theft, or being guilty of dishonest finagling, or scamming the stockholders, or trying to cash in off the backs of investors, or being sleazy, or being a snake, or trying to swindle the shareholders out of their money, or being a miserable lowlife cheating thieving scum sucking piece-of shit bastard, or anything like that." said Curry.

UNTRUE PET NEWS
by Untrue News Pets Editor Darcie Moran

Animal rights activists protested at the Ringling Brothers Circus winter quarters at Winter Haven, Florida. Leaders of the group said that the tigers, monkeys, bears and elephants that perform in the circus "are treated like animals."

Letters to Untrue Pet News:

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but our ten year old black lab, Angus, has learned a few. For eight or ten weeks we taught him to pretend he doesn't hear us when we talk to him, and now he does it all the time. We also taught him to pee on the rug without asking to be let out. He does that all the time now too. Maybe my husband taught him those tricks, he says I did, but I don't remember doing so. You'd think a person would remember teaching a dog to pee on a perfectly good throw rug.
--Mattie, Tacoma WA.

The pets editor replies: That is so true. Would it be okay if we published your letter?

GOOSE EGG

Former columnist for the New York Times, Max Frankel, tells Syracuse University law students how many times he's been laid in the past 24 months.

NOWHERE DO YOU GET THAT HAPPY FEELING

Hopeful members of the local Golden Age Players audition for the group's annual satirical show, "Politickles" which will play for two nights in Monroe HS auditorium in May. When director Jerry Parks asked the group to do a Dick Cheney impression, our photographer caught the response.

TEEN PAGE.
WHERE LEARNING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN FUN!

Guest teen editorial by Ethan Friel, 10th grade

We had to draw out of a hat to take one side or the other in the Arab-Israel conflict and to study it and write about it, so I drew the Arab side so I got this book called the Arabian Nights and I'm glad I am on the right side. These people have horses that fly and magic carpets and these really hot princess babes and they eat grapes and all shit like that, and they don't have to go to school and write stupid essays. So people who are that cool should have a place to live is all I'm saying, cuz I'd definitely move there. (109 words)

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

If the Newsletter Editors' League (NEEDLE) goes out on strike in sympathy with the Writers Guild of America's impending strike against the networks, the effect could be devastating. We would have to stop writing the News of Show Business immediately. We are strongly hoping we don't receive the phone call that tells us there is a strike, and that all parties

^{FROM
THE
FILES}by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

What is really in those plug-in room fresheners? Can you think of a better way to control people's minds than with drugs vaporized into the air IN YOUR OWN HOME? What happens after you plug one in and your room is filled with the delightful aroma of peach blossom?

Let me tell you what happens. You decide you want to watch television. It's mind control aroma that pushes you towards the mind control box. Oh they've got you, alright. After an evening of subliminal TV messages (not in the ads but within the programs themselves) and the continuous inhalation of vaporized mind control drugs, there is no question that you are softened up enough to be a super-patsy for the DURABLE GOODS--ENTERTAINMENT--MEDICAL conspiracy.

Once the conspiracy is in power, prices for everything will go up by 150% and everyone's water will be fluoridated. Movies will get even worse than they are now, and doctors will do the same. Vow today that you will watch less television, and above all, NO PLUG-IN FRAGRANCE FRESHENER ANYWHERE IN YOUR HOUSE.

Once you are under their control, it's way too late. -- H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)